Perceptions of Ourselves
Many of you would be familiar with the Danish author, Hans Christian Andersen. I would be willing to bet that you enjoyed many of his stories as a child, and probably even read his stories aloud to your children at bedtime.
His beautifully written stories including The Little Mermaid and The Snow Queen have stood the test of time and one of my personal favourites is The Ugly Duckling…you know the tale of the little bird who grows up being told by the other farmyard birds that he isn’t attractive enough, or good enough, only to grow into a beautiful swan, the most beautiful bird of all.
It’s a wonderful story of personal transformation for the better.
Interestingly, this theme is still explored in various aspects of popular culture, hundreds of years later.
We only have to look at movies like Clueless (Alicia Silverstone plays the part of Cher who takes on the role of personal stylist to help Brittany Murphy’s character Tai transform from a young woman with little confidence or belief in herself, to an outgoing woman with renewed assurance in herself) or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, who with a little help from the hotel’s concierge, emerges as a woman of note, thanks to a personal shopping trip and wardrobe overhaul with styling advice from Richard Gere (and his credit card!).
Even before these modern day movies, the iconic Audrey Hepburn played the ‘rough diamond’ Eliza Doolittle in the classic film ‘My Fair Lady’ who with encouragement and positive reinforcement, transformed into a polished and confident woman with poise.
Or even the X-Men! Their characters initially shy away from the world, afraid of how they will be perceived by the world and afraid to let their uniqueness shine, until they finally take ownership of who they are and what they want to portray to the world, to embark on a journey of empowerment!
Recently, I had the pleasure of working with a woman who is very successful in the corporate world. This woman holds a key position in a prominent company, with many responsibilities that require great insight, thought and leadership.
She knows exactly how to dress to reflect her corporate persona with great confidence, yet her social life wardrobe was the absolute opposite, and she needed my help to overhaul her wardrobe before our shopping trip together.
While she is very comfortable dressing ‘corporate’ in shirts, blouses, skirt and trouser suits, she was wearing larger clothes in her social and personal life, hiding her amazing size 14 hourglass shape.
When wearing her ‘corporate hat’, she is empowered, strong, confident and unafraid to stand up in front of business clients and customers, and command their presence.
Yet when it came to her social life, she didn’t know how to dress for her body shape and how to allow her personality shine through! It affected her confidence in herself and she was only seeing herself as overweight, larger than she actually was and focused on her ‘bits’!
She couldn’t see the woman in the mirror that I saw – a truly amazing woman who I genuinely liked!
As many of you know, I have four sons in their 20’s. Prior to Christmas, I was having a good catch-up and chat with one of my son’s girlfriend. Over the course of our conversation, she said something that blew my mind! She said, “Oh, he always says he’s the black sheep of the family…”
Where did this thought process come from?
Whatever made him ever think this?
And, why?
Was it schoolyard taunts? Sibling rivalry? Rejection from a first crush? Workplace competition?
I don’t know the reasons why he feels like the ‘black sheep’ but for him, it’s very real.
On giving it some thought, I’ve come to the conclusion that our perception of ourselves is hard wired into us as a child and our ‘inner child’ still holds onto these perceptions, long into our adult life.
Our childhood experiences and teenage years have great impact on shaping who we are, as do others’ beliefs that are indoctrinated into us over time, and words that are spoken to us, whether those words are spoken carelessly or with deliberation. And this rings true for many men as well as women!
I find it amazing that we do this to ourselves…why?
What are we hiding from?
From who?
Why do some of us only allow ourselves to shine sometimes? Why not all the time?
I’d like you to take thirty seconds to pause and think…how do you perceive yourself?
Do you hide? Do you overcompensate your ‘bits’ by wearing baggy clothes?
Where does this stem from?
Sometimes, like my client, we need a little help to understand how we can style our clothes to help us shine and the impact that great styling can have on how you allow the world to perceive you – the AMAZING you!
After I had visited my client to overhaul her wardrobe and ‘cleanse’ it from the many unflattering clothing items she had accumulated and held onto over the years, she emailed me to say, “This was enlightening! And eye-opening! Can’t wait for my shopping trip now”. She had started to realise that her true personal style and inner confidence was about to be unleashed!
Imagine my delight when I received another email from her the day after her personal shopping experience with me to share these wonderful words, “Once again, it was an amazing experience and I have learnt so much that will take some time to fully integrate into my life. You could be fooled into thinking that this experience was about clothing and that would be SO wrong! It’s about our self-image and who we present to the world. Thank you again. Look forward to working with you again”.
How about changing the messages in your head to positives – I am Me! I am AMAZING – and enjoy your own personal journey of transformation and let your true colours shine!
Your piece is beautifully written Cindy and rings so true for many of us. I loved the opportunity to talk with you and learn from you in the professional styling course. Obviously the workshops were terrific for learning how to help others with their style direction, but I didn’t realise how much I needed to learn a little self-love too.
I think your understanding of how self-image effects all of us and that extra mile you go to in helping individuals shine and express themselves, is nothing short of amazing.
I know you’ve made a difference in my life 🙂
Hi Sue…….thanks so much for this feedback! Looking at our self is sometimes difficult, even harder if we dont like what we see! Sometimes I think where it comes from and why is irrelevant, its how we choose to move on thats important. So pleased to hear you are beginning to shine……you deserve to!! Cindy xo
thanks for the article you are so right and what i just read is very true
we spend a life time with someone else’s negative comments going around in our heads and become what others tell us we are
Cindy i attended your stylist course last year & really enjoyed the 4 days & a great group of girls to learn with
when i arrived home after 4 days in Melbourne i was shattered, i realised i needed to spend time on myself before i could help others
so i went to a fantastic Naturopath, walk daily, go to the gym, changed my diet, changed my hair style & lost 10 kilos!
All this has changed my life for the better, Cindy you have a huge part to play in changing women’s lives & it is so much more than just fashion!
Thank you
Elizabeth X
Elizabeth……Thank you so much! I know personally how I have been affected by comments growing up, I also know as an adult how important it is to work on ourselves and remaining positive! Great feedback and I am just loving the improvements you have made for yourself…..well done and much love!! Cindy xo
Thank you Cindy, for this timely and thought provoking post. What a deep message this time.
At the start of 2016, wondering if i even wanted to set goals, i realised I had reverted to letting negative thoughts run through my head. Slowing me down, and in fact, bringing me down. It’s hard to say where (or who) they come from. I don’t know why some life events / comments “stick” and others pass over you. I know we have a much bigger impact on those we love than we realise.
Love is a powerful weapon and we could all be much more careful with how we wield it. I include myself. We do need to be honest, and not shy from hard conversations. But we also, i think, need to be much more empathetic, less judgmental, and accept the validity of someone else’s feelings. This is not easy when faced with a 5 year old, teenagers, or even aging parents.
A parent’s expectations, in a child’s mind linked to how you know if you are a good person (rather than doing a good job!), are the yardstick we measure ourselves against forever, it seems. I had a happy childhood, a loving, safe family and homelife. Yet, expectations were set, referred to, and not always so subtle. Where does the line between challenging yourself and putting yourself down come from?
One by one I am changing the negative thoughts to the positive messages I am sure my friends and parents intended them to be. Messages to help me grow, be strong and happy. Ultimately, as an adult, I am responsible for me. For my own happiness. and freedom – emotional, psychological, etc.
Part of my new strength is knowing that it isn’t a scary thought. I am prepared, strong, capable. I’m practicing positive thoughts, and a good laugh every day.
Thanks, Cindy, this was a great chance for a quick review of progress to date.
Linda…….I have read and re read this and I don’t really know how to respond other than to say that its so nice to hear from other women and how we are all so similar really in our thoughts at times. Life can get difficult if you allow it to. Stuff happens, its how we choose to look at it that takes us on a negative or positive path. I decided at the beginning of this year to really speak about stuff this year…..controversial or thought provoking or plain straight out fun! So I hope you stay tuned, no matter what the subject is!Thanks again Linda for sharing!!! Cindy xo
Hi Cindy,
How wonderful. If you can help one person achieving this outcome, it’s so worthwhile. What a privilege to be invited into another’s life to help change these perceptions. Words spoken over one’s life can stay a lifetime. I love reading about your work. Best wishes always xx.
Hi Gail, thank you and I do realise that it is a privilege and love that occasionally I can make a difference! I hope you enjoy a few more thought provoking and topical blogs this year Gail……and of course the usual shopping 🙂 🙂 Cindy xo
Cindy, I was stunned that as I read this blog post, I was sitting pin-pointing those moments in my life as a child and teen that moulded me into who I am. I didn’t expect to resonate so closely to what you’ve described.
It is refreshing to hear that we can be aware of these things and by being aware, we can actively challenge ourselves to be more positive and mentally strong.
Great advice and good luck everyone! xoxo
Amanda
Thanks so much Amanda and I am pleased to hear you were able to resonate with this as I know myself when I am working with someone, their story can bring up stuff for me and it makes you think. It’s good to have a reminder sometimes about who we are and where we are headed and why!! Cindy xo
Loved your wise words Cindy. Changing our thoughts can change every aspect of our lives. The first step to getting rid of negative or unhelpful thought patterns is to become aware of and identify them. Many people are not even aware of what they are putting out there. As soon as you recognise that the inner voice in your head can be controlled you are well on your way. I really love Domonique Bertolucci’s books and website on how to live the life you want and a life you love. Check out her video on how to silence the inner critic. http://www.domoniquebertolucci.com/shut-up-how-to-silence-your-inner-critic/#sthash.4tueYfTJ.dpuf
Thanks so much Sharyn!! Great to have your input 🙂 Thank-you for the link – I will definitely check it out!! x